release

Reconstructing, reinventing, reimagining, reconfiguring, renewing.

Where are the words that are re-less? I need words for all new, everything changed, no road map, no map all, free-for-all, never again, never before, before and after, it is what it is, and stuff.

I need more words to describe a whole day spent attempting to, but ultimately accomplishing very little. Laser into nothing, high focus, buzzy, gamify, adjusted expectations, tech savvy, no nonsense, total nonsense, locked in, missed the mark, privacy settings.

The girls and watched Michelle and Barack read “The Word Collector” this morning and I cry cry cried, of course. I cried yesterday when I realized I needed a Master’s Degree to do this thing I want to do and isn’t that the way? just when you figure the thing out, you need the other thing to do the thing you want?! I’m crying for selfish reasons now, in these instances because I want Michelle and Barack back so bad it melts the inside of my heart, because I would love to snap my fingers and be learning how to be something new and improved, softer, smarter, with more credentials than I carry now.

I carry —

— opened a café in the East Village, have food handler’s license after taking the maddening test over and over when it would kick me off for not answering quickly enough or too soon.

— procured a volunteer ID badge at Bellevue hospital for three years in a row, which is NO SMALL FEAT DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET A NYC HOSPITAL ID BADGE?

— the ability to make a costume out of nothing at the very last minute, I’m telling you, if you’re doing a show, hire me just to hang around and wait til something goes wrong, I’m very good under pressure.

— can impromptu DJ your wedding. No kidding, I’ve done this twice, using a laptop and an amp in one instance, and my phone and an Ipod in the other instance and both nights were a raging success, even when I flat out refused to play Call Me Maybe because I have standards, yes I do.

— directed a feminist play in which all three performers performed nude while in and out of a hot tub, to small but mighty acclaim, only to have the idea stolen by much more famous theater-maker. That’s life! It is what it is!

I carry all these with me as I move into the new world. I carry only what I need, only my flower tote, my laptop until it runs out of a charge, hand sanitizer, expensive lip balm, my notebook and a pen. I go forward.